Chapters 1-25 HERE
I wake startled. I feel like I’ve been slammed down onto the bed forcefully. My eyes dart around the room and then to the body next to me. Everything with him is happening so fast that it’s releasing a torrent of memories and pain.
“Nina?” I expect Matt’s voice to ring out, but instead, it is Barbara’s. I peer over at her in the dim light and spy her little head poking out from the door.
“Yes?”
“Can I sleep with you? I miss mummy.” Her little lip quivers and I quickly nod my head and motion for her to come in. She scrambles up the bed expertly, obviously having had practice. I glance over at the clock. It’s three in the morning. Two more hours and we will all get up and begin the day, but for now, we will hopefully get a little more sleep.
She curls up beside me, spanning from my chest to my thighs. I expected her to be afraid of me and to just lie on the edge, but she seems comfortable cozying right up next to me. I tuck an arm around her and rub her back as my mom used to do with me when I was scared. Minutes later I can hear her breath slow and her face relaxes. She is an adorable little girl. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
Matt’s alarm doesn’t have a chance to go off before Karli is knocking on the door that separates our rooms. It is 4:57 according to the clock by the bed. Barbara’s eyes flutter open and she looks hesitantly at me for a second before familiarity courses back in.
“Good morning.” I whisper. I slip her and myself out of the bed and then remember my lack of pajamas. I quickly slip on my shorts and walk with her towards Karli, who now has her head peeking through the door.
“Morning.” Karli says. She looks up at me expectantly. I look back down in confusion.
“Matt slept in my mummy and daddy’s room?” She looks at me questioningly; like I’ve done something wrong.
“Yes. That’s what your mom told us to do.” I say, hoping that my response will satisfy her.
“Daddy’s the only boy that’s ever slept in there.” She says, her foot tapping.
“Does it bother you that Matt slept in there with me?” I ask, humor evident in my voice as I try not to laugh. She can certainly act much older than she is.
She looks around as if my question has bothered her. Her lips are pursed, her arms folded and she continues to tap her foot. I feel like a small child in trouble with my mother.
“No. It doesn’t bother me.” She finally says.
I smile and say, “Well, thank you.”
She nods, accepting my gratitude. “We need breakie soon. I would like egg and toast with avocado. Barbara too.”
I glance at Barbara and notice her curls bouncing around as she nods in agreement. The thick Auzzie accent that the girls have added to their young age makes it difficult to understand them, but I get the gist of what she has said.
“Okay. I’ll do that. What do you girls want to do?”
“We play in the toy room until its ready.”
“Okay. Let’s go, we can let Matt sleep a little more.”
I rush over to the bed and silence the alarm. He looks peaceful in bed with his short, dark brown hair tousled and his lips slightly parted. He is attractive, I’ll give him that.
We make our way out of the room and the girls scamper off towards the toy room. They play quietly, which is nice. I get started on the egg and avocado toast. I decide to make the same for Matt and I, so once the four servings are ready, I put it all on the table and call for the girls. They rush over and sit in their designated spots. They look at me expectantly and I nod.
“I’m going to get Matt, you girls eat.”
They nod and have already begun to eat. I walk slowly towards the bedroom. I hope it is okay to wake him. By now, he’s had an additional fifteen minutes to sleep. In the room I see he has moved onto his side, still sleeping peacefully.
I nudge him gently. “Matt, breakfast is ready.”
He swings his head towards me, eyes sleepy, and grabs a hold of me. I stumble down onto him and he squeezes me tightly. He grabs one of my legs and pulls it across him, so that I am literally sitting on him, my hands holding me up with his chest.
I gasp loudly. “What are you doing?” I pause and then quickly add, “The girls are having breakfast. We should join them.”
“Just a minute, I want you.” He pulls my upper body down on him and then his hands are at my hips, grinding me against him. I notice the bulge underneath me grow larger and quickly become uncomfortable. But he seems to appreciate the feel of me grinding against him, so I just lay my chest down against his and lean my face down onto his shoulder and let him do what he wants. I quickly find I enjoy the feeling of his body against mine. His initial force is now gone and I continue to move against him.
I glance up at him, his eyes are closed and his lips are slightly parted, he breathes hard. Suddenly, he shudders and I recognize the feeling. It’s familiar, but different. With him I don’t feel nearly as sick and degraded. It’s more of a mutual thing. Not entirely, but more than when I was younger. I actually have a desire for him.
He stops rocking against me and leans up, kissing me quickly before tilting me off and heading out the bedroom door.
I sit, puzzled and then make my way after him. He walks past the girls, waving at them and makes his way out the door and to the guest house. Did I do something wrong?
The girls smile at me and I sit down at the table with them. I grab my plate and eat. He’d been hard. I hadn’t quite remembered what that felt like. It felt new, being with him. It was acceptable. Okay in some way that it hadn’t been before. Well, I realized. You are no longer a little girl. It is different.
Matt eventually joins us, fresh from the shower, the girls now playing in the toy room again. We have to be there at seven, so we will probably leave close to six forty five. It’s only a ten minute drive. So, we have an hour to get them ready and in the car.
“Go grab a shower, I’ll get the school bags ready and then when you get back you can help them into their uniforms.”
I nod at Matt and look at the girls smiling. “I’ll be right back.”
Barbara runs over and hugs my legs. “Okay!” She beams up at me.
In the bedroom I find Matt’s dark gray boxers lay out onto the bed. The towel he had used was splayed out on the bed as well to dry. I grab my towel and quickly slip into the shower. I clean up quickly and then slip back out and grab some new clothes. I leave my hair down for the time being, just until it dries a little more.
Once back in the main house I see that everything is ready except for the girl’s clothes. Once they don their uniforms they will be ready to get into the car. It’s only six ten, so I figure we will just let them play for a bit longer. They seem to enjoy playing with each other, only arguing briefly here and there and then getting along again.
“I’ve got their lunches packed and everything else should be ready to go. Would you still like to leave at about 6:45?”
I nod in agreement. “That sounds good.” Then I add, “What would you like to do today?”
He smiles brightly. “I was thinking I could show you the town where Jace took our truck.”
I nod again, that sounded interesting. “An hour away?”
“Yep.”
“Okay.”
I go around the house picking things up; Matt is seated on the couch, a book from the Bert’s bookshelf in his hands. I clean up all the dishes and then go through the fridge to if there is anything we should replenish. There are three loaves of bread in the freezer, an extra gallon of milk, but not many vegetables left. I write up a quick list and then walk towards Matt and move to sit in a chair next to him.
When he spies me getting ready to sit, he lowers the book and pats the sofa he sits on. I move over and sit close to him. He sets the book down on the ground and lightly pulls at my arm. He looks at me warmly and I gaze at him quickly before glancing away. He nestles his head against my back and I just lean into him.
I realize again just how much I enjoy this kind of affection. It feels good, more on the terms that I can accept.
He runs his cheek and lips down the length of my neck, pushing the hair away with a hand. The girls giggle audibly in the next room, seemingly enjoying their time to just play like kids. I smile. I think that I like this whole situation too much. Maybe I would want a family one day. That thought hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time. I didn’t ever want a child, particularly my child, to be hurt the way I had. But now, seeing just how happy those girl’s are, and the unconditional love they were already beginning to display, was playing at my heart.
If I lived out further from other people. Just me, a husband and our kids, I wondered if that would be safe. But, then, at the same time, I couldn’t just keep a child cooped up with the constant fear that something would happen to them. Most children didn’t have to go through all that, did they?
I close my eyes for a second and open them to Matt whispering, “Wake up.”
“I just closed my eyes for a second.” I mutter, confused.
“You were out for at least twenty minutes. It’s about time to get the girls in the car.”
I turn back in amazement. I hadn’t realized I was tired. I glance up at the clock. It’s 6:45. I quickly stand and look back at Matt, sitting with a grin on his full lips.
“We have got to go girls.” I shout towards the play room.
They stumble out excitedly, not wearing their uniforms yet. “Oh no. We’ve got to get your school clothes on.”
I rush to the bedroom and they chase after me. We pull off the pajamas and on with the uniforms in record breaking time. Then I hurry them out to the door. Matt is sprinting back from the car.
“Backpacks and lunches in the car. Let’s go.”
We rush out the door and strap them in. Matt takes off and we pull into school right at seven o’clock. Some other children are making their way to the school and we quickly pull the girls out and let them race towards their classmates. Matt and I carry the girls’ bags up to the pile of book bags under the raised school building.
“Bye girls.” I shout.
They look back and wave before turning back to their classmates.
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